Maybe it will help if I write some things down; it will be
therapeutic for me anyway. Tomorrow is mine and Gene’s 40th wedding
anniversary. Reason to celebrate, I know! But the rain falling non-stop outside
isn’t the only thing bringing the mood down around here.
Unfortunately, Feb 9 comes before Feb 11 and the Feb 9, 2016
anniversary (at least this year) has superseded what should be a sweet
recognition of a life changing moment for us.
Instead, we are both sadder than we care to admit and my
tears stand at the ready. Don’t get too sad though, we’ll be okay. But we’ll
never be the same.
Two years ago, our wedding anniversary fell 2 days after Feb
9 (just like always) but we were only 48 hours past the medical event that
changed our lives and, to be honest, we still had hope. Or maybe we were still
in shock. At any rate, I don’t think I was as sad that day as I am today,
nearly 2 years into this journey.
What made the difference? Gene fell backwards onto the
pavement this past Tuesday night and although he (thankfully) didn’t break
anything, he is in terrible pain (think: whiplash) and has hardly been able to
function normally since then.
Follow the thread:
·
Our anniversary is tomorrow
·
He can’t shop for a gift or a card without me
taking him (I helped him out by ordering my own gift online cause I’m helpful
like that) since he can no longer drive
·
He’s been in such pain since Tuesday that riding
in a car is difficult meaning that tomorrow he has no card to give me (he’s
extremely sentimental and romantic so that’s a huge loss for him)
·
He’s in so much pain that we can’t go out to
dinner tomorrow night, as planned, or do much of anything to celebrate
All of these things are really SMALL things…we know that…but
in our universe, they have converged at a terrible time and have simply sucked
the wind out of our sails.
Again, why the big deal this year? I think it is primarily
because of the timing of Gene’s fall. He’s doing great in Physical Therapy and
actually believes that he will one day walk again, with an aide such as a cane
or walking stick; I believe it too.
But here’s the thing: falling like he did has reminded us
that the medical event (we still don’t know what to call it) of Feb 9, 2016,
will be part of our lives forever. And sometimes, what it has “stolen” from us
seems overwhelming (like now).
I should tell you that you don’t have to feel sorry for us;
again, we’ll be okay. But every now and then, we hit a bad patch. And we have
hit it now.
Tomorrow morning we’ll wake up, get up, get ready and head
to church. We not only have responsibilities there, we WANT to be there with
our church family. We’ll teach a class together and then Gene will preach. It’s
going to be a fine day.
Gene’s pain will ease off and the sun will shine again. We
will exchange cards and gifts at some point and even go out to dinner to
celebrate. All of our days are not dark but some are. I guess, deep down, I
want folks to know that.
It may seem to some that we have just accepted our lot in
life and are skipping along as if all the days are sunshine and roses. We’re
not skipping (Gene can’t, remember?). And while we do accept this “lot in life”
we still struggle with anger, disappointment, exhaustion, jealousy and dashed
dreams. We are far from perfect and so are our responses to “…all things.” (see
Romans 8:28).
2 Corinthians 4:7-13,
JB Phillips Paraphrase says,
“This
priceless treasure we hold, so to speak, in a common earthenware jar—to show
that the splendid power of it belongs to God and not to us. We are handicapped
on all sides, but we are never frustrated; we are puzzled, but never in
despair. We are persecuted, but we never have to stand it alone: we may be
knocked down but we are never knocked out! Every day we experience something of
the death of the Lord Jesus, so that we may also know the power of the life of
Jesus in these bodies of ours. Yes, we who are living are always being exposed
to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus may be plainly seen in our
mortal lives. We are always facing death, but this means that you know more and
more of life.”
That passage gives me fresh hope tonight. It really is going to be alright;
I just needed to get my thoughts out of my head and on to paper, so to speak.
And while many of my dear friends have situations in their families that are
far “worse” (and none of us are keeping score), our problems are OUR problems
and I think it’s healthy to “own” them. I’m owning mine and, all the while,
recognizing yours and hoping that somehow you’re encouraged by these words. And like the title says, we may have taken two steps back but that leaves us with one step forward and forward is the direction I hope to head.
